I’ve been cooped up in my apartment all day. In true stream-of-consciousness fashion, here are my thoughts of the day.
I’m getting my first taste of Vermont winter this year. Last year I was depressed and lonely all winter and ended up gaining a lot of weight from comfort-eating, which I have since lost through lots of work and self-control. I saw pictures of some friends who went snowshoeing in today’s fresh snow and I’ve resolved to try cross-country skiing for the second time ever tomorrow. The only real way to survive a Vermont winter is to find ways to get outside, but it’s hard to do this without the appropriate gear. And some of us just don’t make enough money to buy downhill skis, cross-country skis, ice skates, snow shoes, ski pants, ski coat, goggles, etc. But I’ll rent some and figure it out, because I definitely can’t watch movies and do puzzles all winter.
Recently I went through a rather hurtful breakup. It wasn’t a long relationship, but it’s taken me a solid 6 weeks to start to move on. Today was the first day I have resolved not to think about him, look at his Facebook, etc. So far it’s going well and I feel cleansed.
I started a 2,000 piece puzzle tonight, and I realized that I hate it already. Puzzles are frustrating and depressing when you spend lots of time on them by yourself. But I’m not sure I can just pack it up and put it away because I’ve already spent an hour on it. And now it’s taking up my entire table, which is not really the best solution.
I sent in my final grad school application today. I do feel a sense of relief as you may expect, but more than that I feel bored and with a total loss of agency. Now I have to wait 3 months to find out if I got in anywhere, which wouldn’t be so bad if I could do something other than just WAIT.
Most profound moment of happiness today was singing along to a beautiful song I know every word of.
Facebook has become a new dimension of reality for social interaction. In the past few years if you saw something on Facebook, the facts were always subject to a certain amount of doubt. But now Facebook is a perfectly acceptable way to tell someone how you found out a new piece of information. Today, by looking at the chat feature and who is listed in the top friends (with whom I communicate most frequently, presumably) I saw how the ebb and flow of my relationships (both romantic and otherwise) is chronicled by Facebook’s complex algorithm. There are people I wish would disappear from this list and was relieved to see that today, finally, someone who I’ve wanted to drop to the plebeian level of “More Friends” has been moved. It feels good.
I realized that I really miss baking and cooking, mostly because I can’t consume the result on my diet. I feel torn; I need to harness the things that make me happy, and the diet is very inconvenient for many of these, but getting down to my ideal weight would make me happier than all those other things combined. It’s easy to lose sight of that in the short-term.
I hate New Year’s Resolutions, and I typically don’t make them. I guess my only resolution for this year is to have hope, to be happy, and to be a better version of myself. I think I can achieve those.
Guess I’m tapped out for semi-profound thoughts today. Now to try to read my completely forgettable book. Who knows, maybe it’ll get better.